The Locked Door
The road was narrow with many twists and turns.
In the stillness the crunch of the gravel beneath my feet sounded unnaturally loud. Towering trees lined each side
of the road, overhanging branches making the
dusky twilight seem more like the darkness of night.
Suddenly I stopped short; ahead of me loomed
a large rock building. This building was structured
more like a castle than a house. Turrets adorned the
left side, and the heavy wooden door appeared massive.
The house itself was encompassed by swaying trees, branches
sinisterly reflected in the overabundance of windows.
The huge branches had the aspect of tentacles, reaching
out to ensnare the unwary, while conversely appearing
stilted. Reluctantly I began to walk slowly toward
the house, drawn yet repelled.
I awoke with a start, heart pounding, pulse racing.
I was drenched, yet the room was cool. My feet
could almost feel the roughness of the gravel, and
my room felt unfamiliar. I lay back down, knowing
I would be unable to sleep again. I wondered what
the dream could mean, and why the house frightened me so.
So began disturbing dreams that would occur
for many years. Foreboding dreams of an unknown
house with a mysterious room with a locked door.
Invariably upon awakening from these dreams I was
aware of a heaviness I could not dispel.
Growing up in a small rural town on a farm, my
childhood was anything but normal and happy.
Deprived of love, affection and discipline, I
often felt lonely, insecure and unwanted. It was
difficult for me to make friends because I was
very shy and insecure, thus I had no real friends
I could turn to.
Unfortunately, I carried these attitudes and
insecurities into adulthood. I was constantly
searching for love and acceptance, driven by an
inner void to seek, yet not knowing what it was
I was seeking. I often accepted a poor substitute
for love, for I felt it was all I deserved. My own
parents could not love and accept me, so how could anyone?
When I was almost 16, I married a man who
I thought loved me. It did not take me long to
discover he didn't. A few weeks after we married,
he began to have affairs, and he didn't stop all
the time we were married. Of course, not having known
love, I did not know how to love. Existence during
those years was a series of seemingly hopeless days,
followed by night of escaping into fantasies of
a life that was uncomplicated, happy, and full of
love. I was not a good mother to my children:
I was still a child myself emotionally. I did not
know how to be a mother. Eventually we were
divorced, and I became a single mother.
I still was hungry for love and acceptance,
and I still searched for it. I fell in love, was
hurt when it didn't last. I promised myself
that I would never let anyone hurt me again.
In a relationship, I always ended it. To be
sure no one would ever left me again, I would
always leave first. I erected a barrier I allowed
no one to penetrate. I lost touch with my real
emotions, crediting myself with good feelings
I wanted to have but could not. I felt lost,
lonely, afraid, and so unhappy.
This was the pattern of my life when
the disruptive dreams began to occur. Always
the same dream, always the same house, always
the walk on the gravel road. Actual entry into the
house did not happen until I had experienced the
dream for many years. I became very 'familiar'
with the large house through my "night visions."
Each visitation of the dream would reveal
more of the house and its surroundings. I was
still fearful of this house, seemingly without reason.
Meanwhile I sensed a different longing;
a longing for something different, an inscrutable
yearning for "meaning" to my life. I was compelled
to search, still not realizing what it was I was
searching for. After trying different things, I
decided to go back to school. I had quit school
in the middle of the tenth grade, unable to
cope with the teasing and being 'different'' from
the other kids. I did get my high school diploma.
Having a diploma was good, but failed to make
the difference I had envisioned. I was unsettled in
both mind and emotions, and needed healing on the inside
I enrolled in college, but had to drop out
because of a situation with my oldest son. Still
unhappy, still searching for love, still searching
for meaning, I lived life with a hopeless attitude,
thinking nothing would ever be better, for me or my children.
The dreams kept many nights in turmoil. I would
advance closer and closer to the house. Ultimately,
I felt drawn to venture inside the house. I was
terrified of what I might find within, yet driven to "know."
Finally, I explored all the rooms except one. This room
was always locked, with the key inside the lock.
This room filled me with dread as I tried to hurry
past it. On the surface, this was unexplainable,
for I had found the house to be beautifully and
tastefully furnished, and not one to invoke fear.
Be that as it may, I was totally frightened
and totally alone!
The dream progressed until I was standing
in front of the door, not trying to hurry past it.
I would stare at the door handle, part of me wanting
to reach out and turn the key, while fear held
my arms immobile.
One night my dream came to it's culmination.
I was standing before the door as usual, held
in an icy grip of fear. A wave of weakness enveloped
me as I slowly reached for the key to open the
door. Some power almost beyond my control
bade me enter, darkness surrounded me as I
tried to resist. What mystery lay beyond
that locked door that had dominated so many
of my nights? What change in my future,
and the future of my children would occur
when I opened that door?
Finally, I gathered the remnants of my
diminishing courage, turned the key and
stepped into the unknown.
Caught totally by surprise, I was astonished
at what met my unbelieving eyes. I turned slowly
around the room, almost in a daze. Windows
covered the entire room, the largest one in front,
a huge telescope pointed towards the heavens.
The windows were all opened, and a myriad of
stars twinkled and danced in the clear night
sky. The moon was full and luminous, and shone
with a brilliant radiance.
I was enveloped with the purest love in
invisible arms of acceptance! I was heady
with the sheer joy of this new experience,
and I never wanted to wake up! HERE
was the peace and love I had sought for so
long, how could I have been so frightened
by the very thing I had so desperately searched
for and so desperately needed?
I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior
soon after. The dreams ended, but they are still a
part of my life; I do not ever want to forget them.
God has shown me that the "locked door" was a
symbol of the 'door' of salvation that I had felt
was locked to me. I had felt that God could not
possibly want me, that I was too bad and I did not
deserve salvation. Satan kept me bound with
this lie for many years; I blindly believed him.
However, God helped me realize that although
none of us 'deserve' salvation, He has given it as
His free gift. Genuine love and acceptance is
ours when we accept the Source, Jesus! His is
the unconditional love we all seek. I now can
say that I have accepted His free gift of
salvation, and I have never been sorry. I have
failed Him many times, but He has never failed me,
nor will He ever.
My relationship with Jesus is the center of
my life, from which all other things revolve.
Christ has opened many doors for me; this
web site being one of them. He has also worked
in the lives of my children, who are all serving
Him. He has truly turned "ashes into beauty!"
If you are reading this and you feel the
things you have done in your life are too
'bad' for God to forgive, don't believe that
lie from Satan! God loves you, and He wants
to make you His own, give you a new life, an
abundant life lived for Him. Your part is to
believe that He is, and that He died so that
your sins could be forgiven. You must accept
His gift of salvation, invite Him into your heart
and live for Him. He is the only thing that truly
satisfies! You can search and search, but you
will never find what you are looking for until
you meet Jesus! Let Him unlock that door for
you, He's waiting inside to give you love, peace,
joy, and everlasting life!
Articles & Poems, etc.
Night Before Christmas
Odds & Ends